I Met God in the Morning

I'm leading a fantastic mothers' Bible study right now-The Power of a Positive Mom by Karol Ladd.  I love this poem she includes in her "Women of Prayer" chapter.  Just wanted to share! 

The Secret

~by Ralph S. Cushman~

I met God in the morning

When the day was at its best,

And His presence came like sunrise

Like a glory within my breast.

All day long the presence lingered,

All day long He stayed with me;

And we sailed in perfect calmness

O'er a very troubled sea.

Other ships were blown and battered,

Other ships were sore distressed;

But the winds that seemed to drive them

Brought to us a peace and rest.

Then I thought of other mornings,

With a keen remorse of mind,

When I too had loosed the moorings,

With His presence left behind.

So I think I know the secret

Learned from many a troubled way,

You must seek God in the morning

If you want Him through the day.

Love it!!! 

"High-Bottoms"

Last night, my sponsor explained to me the difference between a "high" and "low" bottom alcoholic. 

          Basically, alcoholics with a low bottoms are what we typically think of as the people who have hit "rock bottom"-their lives are in shambles.  Often, there is job loss, severe damage to personal relationships, depression and/or thoughts of suicide and rampant financial and legal troubles.  These are the people we see on "Intervention," where it is clear to everyone on the planet except the alcoholics that their lives have spun completely out of control.  Their loved ones are begging them to get help and have a huge sense of relief when the person goes into treatment.  This group, from my experience so far with AA, seems to make up the majority of recovering alcoholics.

          In contrast, alcoholics with high bottoms (like me) usually have come to terms with our problem on our own and then, in turn, initiate our sobriety.  I have also met those who arrived at AA through the urging of a very close relationship-spouse, best friend, sibling, etc.-who was privy to part or all of the secret the alcoholic had been concealing.  Outside of this inner circle, however, no one knows the extent to which we are consuming alcohol.  We are high functioning-rarely appearing to be intoxicated in public; we manage careers, family and social obligations responsibly;  we have not yet "ruined" our lives like the low bottom alcoholics (and I say yet because this is a chronic disease which, if not treated, inevitably will result in ruin and death); by all accounts, our lives appear completely normal.....because we have gone to great lengths to keep up our tidy exteriors. 

          In my first few days of sobriety, I was acutely aware and grateful for this difference.  I considered myself in the "lucky" category-not to say that I still don't today-but I'm beginning to discover a unique set of challenges for the recovering, high bottom person.  For the sake of brevity, I'm going to convey my observations in list form:

1. Most people, even maybe your closest family members, are shocked when your alcoholism is revealed.  Although you have been dealing with the mental torment of your addiction and have needed to confess it for months or even years, the people that you tell have had absolutely zero time to process this huge thing you just unloaded on them.   You might be very surprised by the emotions this evokes in your loved ones.  Unlike the families of low bottom alcoholics, I am finding (in my life and in the stories of others) common reactions (just to name a few) include uncomfortable shock and lack of anything to say at all; partial admittance of a drinking "problem" but discomfort classifying you as a "true alcoholic"; anger that you have deceived them; irritation and annoyance that you now need to transfer some of your responsibilities to them in order to work on your sobriety;  grief over the potential change this brings to their own drinking habits; fear and/or jealousy of your time spent at meetings/treatment and the relationships you are forming there; confusion as to how they should now behave in your presence (drink/not drink, conversation topics to avoid, desire not to isolate you but also hesitation to invite you places, etc.). 
2. Involved loved ones may ask a lot of questions which, to an alcoholic newcomer, may appear as if the person is implying that they question your overall existence of a problem.  On the other hand, family members with which you have strained relationships (or just their own "yucky stuff" going on) may not ever bring it up at all, as if you had never even told them of your addiction. 
3. Considering aspects 1 & 2 above, it is important we extend our family and friends grace when they do not react as we would like or expect them to (I'm finding this quite challenging~Thank God for the reassuring words of AA members and the example of Jesus in the Bible!).
4. Because our alcohol use has done little if anything to bring us shame, we tend to be more open about our self-discovery.  This can lead to an over-sharing of information which we may later regret.           (Yes-I do see the irony here that I am starting a blog about my experience to share with the whole world, but I feel I am just doing what I was told....trusting that God will protect me from this kind of internet remorse down the road!)
5. High bottom alcoholics tend to have frequent thoughts in early recovery that maybe, in fact, we made a rash evaluation of ourselves and we are not alcoholics at all-increasing the likeliness that we will relapse. 
6. Because we haven't already lost all our responsibilities (job, housing, family, friends, social/spiritual commitments, etc.), people will likely still expect us to not miss a beat in these areas.  Now, we just have to find a way to "work" our recovery into our current, already overly-committed schedules as if we are making a play date or a dentist appointment.  We don't have the "luxury" to go to a treatment center in some beautiful place and spend 24/7 focused on ourselves (no offense at all to my low bottom AA family members who did need treatment-neither option is a good one-and I'm definitely not trying to imply that I'd rather trade places with you).

Well, this is what I have uncovered and am dealing with so far.  Wanted to share in case you find yourself in the same boat.  I'll be sure to update this post as I encounter additional aspects unique to us "high-bottoms."  :-)

Don't Be Such a Worrywart!

I've always found this expression odd.  I wonder how it evolved?  Besides the obvious appeal of alliteration, why has this term been part of our vocabulary for almost 75 years (according to Merriam-Webster, its first known use was 1936)?  Dictionary.com lists one of the definitions of "wart" as any unattractive, detrimental feature or aspect.  We can all think of a person in our lives at one time or another who was an excessive worrier.  Indeed, it is wildly unattractive to the people subject to the ongoing commentary of a worrier.  I also agree that it is detrimental to the worrier themselves, because people don't want to be around them and they often become isolated.  Furthermore, worry is a form of negative stress, a well-documented contributor to multiple health problems.......so, I guess the name fits!

I am always so amazed at how the Bible, written thousands of years ago, still addresses issues applicable today.  To me, this speaks to the interconnectedness of humanity as a whole, as well as to the awesomeness of God that the confines of chronological time, culture, race and sex do not apply to Him! 

Back in my "Baby Christian" days, as my spiritual mentors (Bible Study Chicas-you know who you are) like to call it, one of the first passages of scripture that really spoke to me was Philippians 4:6-8 and 12-13.  I have shared it over the years with many people and now want to take the opportunity to share it with YOU here.  I pray that it will come to your remembrance anytime you are starting to sound like a worrywart!

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done.  If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ.....Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right.  Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable.  Think about all things that are excellent and worthy of praise......I have learned the SECRET of living in every situation, whether it is with full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.  For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need."  -Philippians 4:6-8 and 12-13 (NLT)

Grateful Alcoholic

          You may think this is an oxymoron.  "Envy" isn't what usually comes to mind when we discover someone we know is an alcoholic.  And yet only days into sobriety, that is exactly what I am.  For me, there is no other explanation for this thankfulness than the awesome power and peace of God. 

          My first experience with alcohol came at the age of 6 years old.  We lived with my Papa at the time and his nightly routine consisted of TV, a large metal mixing bowl of popcorn and a styrofoam cup full of scotch.  I adored him and would spend many evenings curled up in his lap, cushioned by his big pot belly.  He had a special spot in his heart for me, always encouraging me in the areas of education and business.  The smell of Glenlivet on his breath was just part of who he was.  Out of a desire to be just like him, I had begged him incessantly to try his scotch.  He finally relented, I'm sure thinking I would be totally disgusted and never ask again....He was right.  It was absolutely awful!  That was the first and the last day of my life I ever drank scotch.  It wasn't until much later in life that I fully understood the extent of his drinking and by then, it was a neutral issue for me as he could do no wrong in my eyes.  He passed away in 2001 at the age of 64 as a result of obesity and alcoholism-related issues.

          My mom also had several boyfriends with the disease and we lived through multiple relapses with them all.  I do remember that their longest periods of sobriety coincided with their attendance of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I recall finding it extremely arduous that they had to attend meetings every day; still, it worked and I am fortunate to have had this positive impression of the organization. 

          As a nursing assistant, I worked on the orthopedic floor at Mercy Hospital.  Attached to our unit was the hospital's inpatient detox wing.  I was responsible for refilling their water pitchers,as well as bringing them meals and clean linens.  When the nurses had lost all patience with their moaning, I served as the middle (wo)man who responded to their frequent call bells.  I was like a little sheep sent into the lion's den to tell them that, despite their obvious pain, they were not allowed to have any more medication.  Let's just say, I liked my patients a lot better on day 3 than days 1 and 2. 

          As a nurse in the ER, I came to know the local drunks very well.  By this time, I had excepted Christ into my life and truly felt the brokenness and despair in these peoples' lives.  I really had a hard time accepting that the God of my understanding could allow such a heartbreaking, isolating disease.

          As my faith has matured, however, I have come to understand how and why God allows trials in our lives.  I can honestly look at the aspects of my life which most others would consider tragic-a painfully broken childhood, sexual abuse, years of depression, the very premature birth of my second son and now alcoholism-and say that I would not change a single one of them.  I am so appreciative of the strength of character which I feel so many "contented" people lack.  I have take opportunities to openly share my life stories with others and I know that my insights have brought them hope and understanding.  I strive to be a better wife and parent as a result of the trials I have suffered.  I have full confidence that, if through me, my family and the world can experience the love and light I have found in Christ, I will have served my purpose well.

          As I now sit in the rooms of AA, I am overwhelmed by the brokenness of its members.  In almost every story, there is evidence to complete misunderstanding of the God I know.  I have become acutely aware that, as a believer, I am in the minority.  I feel I now understand why my life did not take the destructive path of most alcoholics-why I did not have to hit "rock bottom" in the physical world.  I have come to realize, in the absence of faith, all people have is this life.  Their lives are the biggest thing they have to lose.  Coming to terms with my alcoholism was an all-out spiritual battle fought within the confines of my heart.  I have come to understand that I did experience my "rock bottom"-my eternal life was in dire straights.  For the first time in my Christian walk, I was called to obey God when every part of me was fighting to the death to keep my grip on the bottle.  To my absolute amazement, however, I began to receive blessing after blessing from the moment I acted in obedience and confessed! 

          I have always had a heart for missions and a desire for God to use me in that fashion; with 2 small boys, however, now is not the time.  Just in the last year, I have admired the selflessness of my friends as they served in Kenya, Burundi, Haiti, The Dominican Republic and The Congo.

          Little did I know that, as I drove down the oak-lined streets of Charlotte, I was passing the churches and meeting places of my mission field every day.  And for that, I will be eternally GRATEFUL.

The Definition of Alcoholism

Since my college sorority days, I have known that "I really should reduce my wine intake."  But over the last year or so, I have found myself more and more often asking this question-"Could this really be a problem?"  I even discussed my concerns with my husband and best friend; yet, it never progressed past the idea or conversation-I would just return to my regular drinking routine as if these instances never even occurred.  I was drinking about a bottle of wine per night, usually more.  If I had to go somewhere in the evenings, my Solo cup full of wine went right along with me as I drove.  Drinking nightly was so habitual that, when there was no wine in the house, I honestly experienced discomfort and anxiety until I could get to the store to rectify that situation.  I woke up hungover every single day.  Taking Excedrin Migraine & Ibuprofen had become as much of my morning routine as brushing my teeth.  Still for the most part, no one knew the full extent of my drinking.

During the last few months, the momentum of my drinking was rapidly picking up its pace-as was the poor judgement I was using to make decisions.  To give you an example, just 2 weeks ago-as I was thinking about the damage I had done to my stomach with all the OTC meds to cure my morning headache-it occurred to me that I had never tried that "Hair of the Dog" thing.  I found this a very interesting idea to consider.  The more I thought about it, the more I believed it was actually the CURE for my stomach problems!  Concurrently with this though, I was also considering "allowing" myself to, yet again, move forward my "acceptable evening drinking hour."  Years ago it was 6pm, then 5:30, then 5pm and I had just moved it back to 4:45 and that felt OK, so "why not move it on to 4pm, right?"

I realize now that I was in such utter denial about my drinking.  I came across this definition of alcoholism and, I'm sad to say, it describes my condition perfectly.  All of my justifications-pain relief, stress, even "health benefits" of wine and comparisons to "true" alcoholics who had absolutely destroyed their lives were all ideas contrived by my alcoholic brain. 

If you are unsure whether or not you have a "problem", see if any of this definition resonates with you.  If it does, PLEASE tell someone you trust to hold you accountable to get the help you need.  Don't allow your perceived fears of this confession stand in the way of saving your own life!

"Alcoholism is a primary*, chronic disease with genetic, psychosocial, and environmental factors influencing its development and manifestations. The disease* is often progressive and fatal*. It is characterized by continuous or periodic: impaired control* over drinking, preoccupation* with the drug alcohol, use of alcohol despite adverse consequences*, and distortions in thinking, most notably denial*." 

The Council goes on to elaborate the terminology contained in the definition:

"Primary" refers to the nature of alcoholism as a disease entity in addition to and separate from other pathophysiologic states which may be associated with it. "Primary" suggests that alcoholism, as an addiction, is not a symptom of an underlying disease state.

"Disease" means an involuntary disability. It represents the sum of the abnormal phenomena displayed by a group of individuals. These phenomena are associated with a specified common set of characteristics by which these individuals differ from the norm, and which places them at a disadvantage

"Often progressive and fatal" means that the disease persists over time and that physical, emotional, and social changes are often cumulative and may progress as drinking continues. Alcoholism causes premature death through overdose, organic complications involving the brain, liver, heart and many other organs, and by contributing to suicide, homicide, motor vehicle crashes, and other traumatic events.

"Impaired control" means the inability to limit alcohol use or to consistently limit on any drinking occasion the duration of the episode, the quantity consumed, and/or the behavioral consequences of drinking.

"Preoccupation" in association with alcohol use indicates excessive, focused attention given to the drug alcohol, its effects, and/or its use. The relative value thus assigned to alcohol by the individual often leads to a diversion of energies away from important life concerns.

"Adverse consequences" are alcohol-related problems or impairments in such areas as: physical health (e.g., alcohol withdrawal syndromes, liver disease, gastritis, anemia, neurological disorders); psychological functioning (e.g., impairments in cognition, changes in mood and behavior); interpersonal functioning (e.g., marital problems and child abuse, impaired social relationships); occupational functioning (e.g., scholastic or job problems); and legal, financial, or spiritual problems.

"Denial" is used here not only in the psychoanalytic sense of a single psychological defense mechanism disavowing the significance of events, but more broadly to include a range of psychological maneuvers designed to reduce awareness of the fact that alcohol use is the cause of an individual's problems rather than a solution to those problems. Denial becomes an integral part of the disease and a major obstacle to recovery.

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Approved by the Boards of Directors of the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc. (February 3, 1990) and the American Society of Addiction Medicine (February 25, 1990).